The Ride

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I took my children to an amusement park today. They love the rides. The higher and faster – the better. I’m not one for ‘thrill’ rides.  In fact, I’m not one for rides at all anymore. They terrify me. Even with my eyes closed, my heart races, I sweat and can’t catch my breath.

When JJ was a child I took him to Sesame Place in Pennsylvania.  Although I hoped that seeing Ernie and Big Bird was enough, his eyes lit up when he saw the roller coaster.  I hedged, he begged, I broke down. Reasoning with myself that the coaster wasn’t very high and if it’s safe enough for a 3-year-old it’s safe enough for me, I begrudgingly boarded.

We climbed in the car and I pulled him close to protect him from what I thought would frighten him. JJ wiggled away from my arms and grasped the bar holding us back. He was beaming with excitement and grinning from ear to ear.  As the car slowly climbed I snuggled closer to him, sure he would want to cover his eyes and huddle when he realized we were headed down – fast.  That moment never came…for him.

As most amusement parks do, a photo was taken when our car reached the top, seconds before the speedy decent. Now mind you, the ‘top’ wasn’t very high but you couldn’t tell from the photo. My arms were tightly clutching JJ and I was crying. His arms were tossed high in the air and he was smiling. I’ll never live that down.

This weekend I watched with both feet planted safety on the ground as JJ and Lara sped over tracks of hairpin turns and vertical drops on an adult roller coaster. I heard their joyful screams seconds before they came careening around the turn with arms flung high and bright smiles lighting up their faces.

I felt a deep contentment. There is nothing like the pleasure of seeing your child ecstatically happy. I was grateful, and amazed that such a simple experience could bring them such intense joyfulness. Nothing crowded their minds but the moment.  And the moment – to them – was euphoric.

As they faded from view my thoughts turned bittersweet. I tried to remember when I’d felt that kind of joy. I couldn’t. I sifted through memories and mentally sorted through my life’s highs. But life’s lows rushed up to steal their thunder pulling me down – fast. I smiled to myself as I realized that even with feet planted firmly on the ground, I too was riding, my personal emotional roller coaster.

As my children rounded the corner for another pass, they were still screaming, arms still flung high and still enjoying the ride. Ascending slowly, they taunted me as they motioned that they were headed for the top and the inevitable decline. But their eyes were wide with anticipation and their faces alight with grins.

Their laughter and delighted screams were washed out by the coaster car as it thundered down and rounded the last turn. I stood there hoping they’d never lose their childhood ability to experience nothing but innocent happiness.  But I realized that was a futile wish.

Much like the roller coaster, life is a series ups and downs, hairpin turns and quick stops. But what I could hope for was that they always enjoy the ride and continue to take the swift changes of direction with their arms held high and a smile on their face.

As the coaster cars rumbled to a screeching stop, I waited for them to rush off and wondered which ride we’d be headed for next. However, beaming with excitement, they ran to me and in unison bunny-hopped yelling, “Can we go on again?”

“Sure….go ahead,” I answered, thinking it would be good life practice for the ups and downs to come, and hoping one day they’d see the correlation.

Mothers Who Leave

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I recently heard of three mothers who’ve left their husband – and children.  One even left the state in which her ex-husband and three children live.  Sacrilege!

Although it’s not acceptable, it almost seems natural, how easily fathers can separate themselves from their children’s lives.  Sadly it’s the more-often-than-not experience.  But it’s hard for me to grasp that a mother could do the same. Mothers are the nurturers, the comforters, the arms children seek to feel safe and loved.  So I get judgmental – gasp!  How can a mother leave her child?  Leaving her husband is one thing.  But her children?!  What kind of woman does that?

When I get past my initial reaction, I take an honest tumble off my high horse. Although I don’t understand how a woman could leave her children – I can see why she would want to head for the hills and leave them in the valley. Parenting is hard.

As a single mom who left her ex, sometimes the guilt is crushing.  More often than not I can’t sleep at night.  My mind wanders, worries, is consumed with thoughts of my children.  Will they be well-adjusted?  Am I doing enough for them?  Will they get the right education? Will they grow into self-sufficient adults with a healthy sense of right and wrong?

My waking hours aren’t much better.  More often than not I’m exhausted from running kids here and there, caring for their every need, managing a house and working.  My kids wear me down with constant bickering between themselves – and with me.  Yea, those hills look pretty green.  But I know me and I’ll be staying in the valley.

Does that make me a better mother? Not by a long-shot.  I’ll admit, I fantasize about laying on a deserted beach, spending intimate evenings with a man, shopping for myself with no concern of a price tag.  Some days I want to get in the car – and drive far, far away.  Take an extended bath.  Listen to the music I want to hear.  Recapture the life I had before my existence revolved around my children. I’m not above the fantasy.

As it turns out, the men who are raising their children alone are doing amazing jobs.   They are the mothers – and fathers – in their house. So I wonder, do the moms who left deserve a little more respect?  Did they realize they could no longer handle their lives?  Were they at a breaking point?  Did they do their children a favor by leaving?  Maybe they weren’t being selfish.  Maybe they were overwhelmed.

Still my heart breaks for the children.  Even if it was the right thing to do, it will be years before they understand.  What’s unsettling to me is that I can understand it now.

My Lottery Ticket

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There’s a stack of unchecked lottery tickets on my desk.  Sometimes they sit there for months. Every now and then I uncover them when rifling through papers and for a few minutes I escape reality.  I’m not driven by money or material things and I’m blessed with work that modestly supports myself and my children.  But when my fingers sift through those tickets, my mind drifts to a place of opportunity, leisure – and dreams.  A place where I wouldn’t have to give a second thought to the cost of my children’s education.  A place where I could ditch my job and open an animal sanctuary.  A place where business writing would be a thing of the past and I could wile away the hours exploring my creative side. It’s a fun place to go, even though I know the odds are stacked against me.

There’s a man in my life who is my lottery ticket. He’s like no one I’ve met in quite some time. Yet my overwhelming attraction has morphed into a playful email distraction. I can’t say I don’t want to know more about him – I do.  But I’m guarded and fearful.  As as long as I don’t ‘check the numbers’ I can maintain the status quo and escape every now and then into a bubble that hasn’t burst.  I can keep my dreams alive. Not necessarily dreams of him. Dreams of what he represents. The possibilities. The unknown. The desire to believe that a kindred soul exists out there. Even though I know the odds are stacked against me.

Most of the time the arrangement works. Then there are other times. You see, I’m a dreamer but I’m a realist. The part of me that wants to feel like a teenager in love is constantly challenged by the woman who has been there – done that.  I’m naturally drawn to ‘check the numbers,’ yet anticipate a negative outcome. So I retreat to protect a fantasy. The possibilities. The dreams. A reality that doesn’t exist.  The winning lottery ticket.

A Child’s Pain

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My son is home with me.  My daughter is at her father’s.  It’s not supposed to be this way, but it is.

Everyone told me not to say anything negative about my children’s father because soon enough, they’d see who he was on their own.  I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. I also thought I’d be happy when they saw him for the narcissist he is. I was wrong. I had no idea how much it would hurt them, and me.

Rewind to the Christmas holiday. JJ and Lara were with their father for five days. On the third night they called me from his basement. My daughter was crying. She missed me. My son wanted to come home because he was lonely. The conversation with my son went like this:

JJ:        I want to come home mamma.

Me:       Why?

JJ:        I’m bored.

Me:       Where’s daddy?

JJ:        Upstairs watching TV.  He does that every night.

Me:       Why don’t you just go upstairs and tell him you want to spend time with him?

JJ:        He’s with Kathy [his wife].

Me:       Why don’t you go watch TV with both of them?

JJ:        They’ll tell me I can’t watch what they’re watching and send me to my room. He says he’s here for me and I want to believe him but I don’t feel like he is. He’s here for Kathy and his TV.  Mamma, he doesn’t even know that Lara is down here crying.

Me:       Bring him the phone I’ll talk to him.

JJ:        No. You’ve done that before and he changes for a little while then goes back to normal and ignores us. It hurts too much. I don’t want to get hurt again.

Me:       But JJ Christmas is in two days!  Didn’t you ask Santa for an Xbox?  You may get it there.

JJ:        And if I do he’ll be like, “Hey kid, nice to see you.  Now go play with your Xbox.”

Me:       JJ, you play your games here all the time. What’s the difference?

JJ:        You ask if I’ve had breakfast.

His insight stopped me in my tracks. But hearing my 11-year-old struggle to strategically protect himself from emotional pain brought tears to my eyes. He shouldn’t have to think like that at his age.

So yesterday when their dad came to my house to pick them up JJ said he was staying with me for the weekend. I knew he was trying to engage his dad to extract any amount of encouragement to go – but he didn’t get any.  As his father left with Lara, I sat next to JJ on the stairs and my heart broke as he asked, “Do you think he left yet?  Can you see if the car pulled away?” And finally, “I knew he wouldn’t come back for me. I have no father.”

JJ and I sat together on the stairs for a few minutes in silence as I searched for words to ease his soul.

“JJ, your father loves you very much. It’s just that different people have different capacities for love and the way they show that love. Sometimes people we love don’t show us love or love us back in the way we want to be loved. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love us – it just means they don’t know how.”

JJ’s head dropped on my shoulder as tears rolled down his face.

“You have a great capacity for love and that’s a beautiful thing,” I continued. “But that also means others will disappoint you when they don’t have that same capacity. So you need to know two things; #1, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you – it’s just not the love you are capable of giving and want in return.  And #2, never, never stifle the amount of love you can give because someone can’t give it back because when you find someone who can love you back the way you love them, it will be a beautiful thing.”

JJ buried his head in my chest and we both sat there and cried.

(c) 2014 SeptemberMom.com

Dried Purple Roses

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The dried purple roses on her black bedroom dresser held all her secrets.  Privy to her most private moments, they’d seen and heard it all. The tears, the laughter, the angry words – the love.  

There was the scrolled wrought iron music stand trellised with ivy in the corner and the antique rocking chair that had cradled her many a night. But there was something powerful about the discolored lavender bouquet whose leaves tightly engulfed the heart of each flower.   

It was years before she’d seen the parallel.

“God damn it!  Why are you doing this?!” he hissed, pulling back from her embrace. His fury overriding the yearning his body had for release.    

“What are you talking about?” she responded, confused by his abrupt withdrawal.

“You were there.  I saw it on your face – I felt it in your body. You were there and you just…..disconnected.  Shit! You turned away from me and looked out the fucking window!”

Perched above her, his eyes bore through her. Instinctively she turned from him again.  “You make it sound as if I don’t love having you inside me,” she responded defensively.

“You let me in but you won’t let go!” he demanded.  “Why can’t you just let go?” he said, rolling off her and tossing his legs over the side of the bed.  He sat there with his back to her.    

“Is that what this is about?!  You?  Are you feeling insecure?”

“No.  It’s about you. It’s about you keeping me at arms length,” he spit out grabbing his clothes off the floor.

He was right.  She knew it.  She’d had other lovers.  Yet the vulnerability she allowed herself with them – she would not allow herself with him.  

“Don’t go,” she said softly reaching for his arm.

His response was tinged with disgust. “Why not?”   

“Because I don’t want you to?” Gently she pulled him back to her body and they laid there in silence. 

Stammering, her words broke the stillness.  “I… I can’t….let go.”

“Bullshit.  We both know you have with other men.”

Cursing herself for being honest about her previous encounters she responded slowly, “But they weren’t you. They didn’t matter.”  

“Wait a minute,” he said shaking his head slowly in disbelief. “You’re saying that because you care about me – you’re keeping me at an emotional arms length physically?”  For a moment he paused, then threw his hands up in frustration. “Listen to this – its crazy making! You’d rather let a disposable lover please you – than someone you say you care for?” 

“I never said I wasn’t in need of intense therapy,” she responded, trying to lighten the moment. But his eyes, locked on hers, would allow no escape. “They can’t cut as deep. Or hurt as much. With you, I’ve more to lose.”

She felt his arm pull her close as his finger traced a tear down her cheek.  “Then with me you’ve more to gain,” he said softly lowering her beneath him. “Let me in.”

The dried purple roses on her black bedroom dresser held all her secrets.  They’d seen and heard it all.  And in many ways, they were just like her.   

They weren’t always lifeless….

A Letter Home From School

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A letter from my daughter’s teacher came home from school Friday – with my son.  It’s never a good thing when a sibling is given a note to bring home.  Teachers know that the ‘rival’ sibling will always make sure Mom gets the letter – so the offending sibling gets what’s coming.  

Standing pensively by my side, Lara watched as I opened the envelope and read its contents.  Her eyes were fixed on my face – or maybe on the door behind me.  It seems that Lara forged my signature on a recent test.  At first she denied it – but then she admitted it to her teacher. 

Turning the page, I wondered how bad a failing grade was on the exam attached to the letter.  Lara was visibly upset with tears streaming down her face.     

“I’m sorry Mom, I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I didn’t want you to be upset.”

Her words shocked me.

“Upset?! You got an eighty-eight on the test,” I countered.  “Why would you think I’d be upset?  This is a great grade!” 

“You’re always telling us we can do better,” she answered, lowering her head. 

She was right.  I do tell her and her brother that they can do better.  That is, when they bring home 70’s.  And that is because I know they can do better.  Like any other mother, I want the best for them.  But I never intended to cause her such stress. I felt like a monster.  

I thought back to my childhood when I failed a spelling test in the third grade.  I was terrified of what my parents would do when my older sister brought them the test that afternoon.  I remember standing by my teacher’s desk during break.  In what I thought was a brilliant move, I grabbed a tissue off her desk and shuffled my test under her desk blotter.  No surprise, I got caught.  But the fear was paralyzing and now my daughter was experiencing that fear.     

Taking a moment to compose my thoughts I examined ‘my signature’ at the top of the page.   A part of me wanted to lock up my checkbook.  Her forgery was pretty darn good.    

Holding up the test I said, “Lara, I’m proud of this – well, not you forging my signature but your grade.  I’m proud of you and if this is your best – that’s okay with me.  Now you signing my name on the test is another issue.  But I’m glad you did it.”

Lara was confused, yet relieved, by my statement.

Chuckling I continued, “You realize you should have waited till you got a 30 or something before you tried something stupid like forging my name.  Now your teacher is going to be examining these signatures like a hawk.  You blew your shot.” 

I smiled, she smiled.  And I’m hoping we both learned valuable lessons.

I hope Lara will never again feel stressed or fearful over tests grades and that she will always try her best. And what I realize now is that I need to let Lara do her best – and accept what that ‘best’ is.

The Christmas Grinch

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That’s right, I’m the Christmas Grinch.  At least my son will think so Christmas morning when he doesn’t get the gift he has his heart set upon.  But can you blame me?  It’s Grand Theft Auto V (GTAV).  I don’t like many video games – especially ones with violence and guns – but I must admit I have caved on a few.  However, my feet are firm now. 

For several months my son has been asking for GTAV.  For several months I have been saying no.   His argument for the game is that all his friends have it.  That – in itself – is very disturbing.  My son is eleven.  So are his friends.  What parent allows their 11-year-old to play a game with violence, blood, cursing – and did I mention prostitutes and sex?  

When JJ first asked me for a video game system, I refused.  He was heartbroken.  “But Mom, I have no friends,” he said.   “And you think sitting inside playing videos is going to change that?” I responded.   “Yea,” he answered. “All the kids at school play together online every day.”  Obviously, I was quite out-of-touch.     

When I was a kid, we played outside.  Bands of children running through neighbor’s yards playing hide-and-seek.  We joined with other kids on the block and had punch ball tournaments in the street, or we’d ride bikes till it got dark.  That’s how we played together.  Times have surely changed.

Maybe I’m a little guilty, because I don’t let my children roam the neighborhood like I did years ago.  But it’s not like they’re always sitting home.  Both JJ and Lara have dabbled in many activities  – gymnastics, baseball, guitar, choir, swimming, robotics, chess, afterschool drama club….I could go on and on.   But now they’re limited to two main activities.  They’ve been taking Tae Kwon Do since they were four; JJ is in the Boy Scouts and Lara takes drum lessons.  

Even so, JJ continued tugging at my heart strings until they broke.  Still, I didn’t run out and buy him a system.  I shared the expense with him and his sister for an XBOX 360.  Big mistake.  Big, big mistake.  Now his ‘friends’ are playing GTAV.  

I’ve explained – till I’m blue in the face – that the game is violent and the language they use is inappropriate.  That robbing and killing people for cars is not how you get them – working hard and purchasing them is the only acceptable route.  And furthermore, equally important, I don’t want him treating women with disrespect.  Now, I’m no Pollyanna but that game is off my moral compass.    

His response, “Mamma, don’t you think I know it’s a game? I just want to play with my friends.”   

Now I don’t blame JJ’s friends for enjoying games that are way above their mind’s capacity to process what is actually taking place.  They are, in fact, just children.  But they are children who are becoming dehumanized and desensitized by having the shock factor removed from truly horrible actions while taking part in behaviors that are detrimental to their emotional and psychological growth.  

While I believe I am doing the right thing for my son, my heart is still breaking and it will be crushed on Christmas morning when he realizes that Santa, nor I, got him what he really wanted.  I’m hoping Santa brings him new friends this year.  Friends who have parents who care to raise socially and politically correct adults with a conscience.  To me, that groundwork is a little shaky when 11-year-olds are allowed to pick up hookers and participate in desensitizing violence while ‘playing’ GTAV.   

(c) 2013 September Mom

Derf – The Elf On Our Shelves

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I’ve had an Elf on just about every shelf in my house for the past few weeks. It’s the third Christmas we’ve shared with our Elf, Derf – Fred, backwards.

When I got Derf I thought the children were too old to believe that the Elf could really fly back and forth to Santa each night to report on their behavior. But it was worth a shot to keep them in line. I still remember seeing JJ and Lara’s eyes light up when I opened the Barnes & Noble bag and pulled out our very own Elf on a Shelf box. Lara’s eyes were fixed on the box with a bright smile while JJ screamed, “We’ve got an Elf!” Right then I knew the $29 Elf was worth the bucks.

That night we cuddled on the couch and read the book about the new addition to our family. We placed the open box with Derf in it on the couch so he could fly back to the North Pole. The next morning, you would have thought it was already Christmas. Grabbing the Elf on a Shelf box Lara shouted, “JJ, he’s not here! He went to Santa last night! Let’s see if he’s back!” It was only my first day on the job so I wasn’t very inventive on his landing shelf. Derf was perched atop the breakfront in the living room. When JJ’s eye caught the little red Elf outfit he pointed in excitement, “There he is Lara!” They squealed.

Granted it’s a strange looking elf, but watching their joy was – and is – wonderful. Yes, at 10 and 11 they still believe – or maybe they just want to believe. Either way, it’s okay by me. A piece of me that doesn’t believe in much anymore revels in their happiness and innocence.

Every morning during the Christmas season, Derf is the first thing they look for. No good morning kiss, no hug for Mom. Just the sound of their feet rushing around on the hardwood floors in search of Derf.

Derf has been on the glass shelf in the kitchen window, on the picture shelf in the living room, on the soap shelf in the tub, on the bookshelf in the hallway and shelves in JJ and Lara’s rooms. He’s been perched behind paintings, cradled in the Christmas tree, sat atop the 42” inch nutcracker and he’s taken a ride on my Lenox reindeer. He’s been in closets, on ceiling fans, hanging off chimes and peeking out of vases.

I must admit I was a lot more inventive with Derf’s landing spots last year – or even the one before that. It’s getting a little old for me. Or maybe I’m getting old. I resent getting up at 3am to move a little plastic Elf. And there have been nights I’ve forgotten. Not a good idea.

“Mamma – Derf didn’t move! He didn’t go to the North Pole last night,” the kids would cry fearfully “Something’s wrong! Why didn’t he go?” The words in my mind were, because I was too damn tired to get up and move him. But the words that rolled off my tongue were, “He must really like that spot, he’s got a good view of the house from there.” That little guy has turned into quite a responsibility.

But it’s been fun. I created an email account for Derf so he could communicate with my children during the year. Every now and then he’ll write to them and tell them to behave. It works for about 20 minutes. Last year my daughter emailed him and asked if he could come down for her birthday. Of course he did. But Mom got lazy and instead of putting him in his regular hiding spot – I put him back in the book box he came in.

One day when Lara was in my room she saw the box at the top of the closet and pulled it down. Out tumbled Derf. She screamed – and cried – and screamed louder. “Mamma, Derf was stuck in the box, he never got back to Santa. He’s dead!!!! We killed him!!!” Lara was beside herself in tears. “It’s my fault because he came back for my birthday.”

I tried to comfort Lara but nothing worked. She was wracked with guilt and her dreams were being shattered before my eyes. I felt like ripping Derf’s little red elf head off.

Suddenly, as if someone flipped a switch, Lara looked at me with anger and tears in her eyes. “He’s not real is he Mamma?” she cried. “Tell me the truth! He doesn’t really fly to Santa does he?! Mamma don’t lie to me!!”

I found myself at a crossroad. Do I lie? Or tell her the truth. Do I encourage her to believe? Or do I start wiping colors from her rainbow? It was oh, so, tempting to think I could sleep through the night without having to move Derf’s little red butt to another location at 3a.m. An uninterrupted night of sleep beckoned me. But my daughter was waiting to hear if it was time to grow up.

I lied. Knowingly and willingly, I lied. “Lara, he probably wasn’t needed at the North Pole after your birthday so he stayed for awhile,” I said while placing the open box on the floor. “I’m sure he’ll make his way back now.” She looked relieved.

I think we both knew I was lying but I think we both wanted to believe. I wanted her to believe in something special, fun and magical – for at least one more year. And she wanted to believe, to enjoy the excitement of being a child at Christmas – she just needed the permission.

No Mamma…There Is No Santa Claus

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During breakfast recently at the International House of Pancakes my children informed me that, “There is no Santa Claus.” The topic arose when I nonchalantly mentioned getting their lists done for Santa so he had some time to make their gifts. Little did I know…..

“You mean so you have time to go shopping, don’t you Mamma?” quipped JJ.

“No. I don’t,” I responded sternly. “I get my gifts for you from stores. But we need to mail Santa your list so he can bring his gifts to you.”

“Hey, didn’t Santa give us the iPod Touches last year?” questioned Lara. “Didn’t know elves made Apple products.”

“Or that their work was warranted at the Apple store,” JJ added sarcastically.

My heart sank. JJ and Lara have been very vocal with their Christmas magic doubts this year and I’ve been tap dancing around their comments. But it’s been getting harder. In my heart I knew that if I could pull it off this year – it would probably be the last year Santa Claus would be part of their childhood vocabulary.

“Lara, Santa and the elves are busy making a ton of gifts for lots of kids. iPods are a big thing. I’m sure he has an agreement with Apple for manufacturing, distribution and to help fix them when they break.” I realized how silly that sounded and pictured Steve Jobs turning over in his grave.

“Right,” JJ said flatly. “Then maybe you can explain why the Fire Department brought Santa to our house last year? Did the reindeer turn into firemen at 12:00am? And Santa’s sleigh turn to into a fire truck?”

As our waitress placed pancakes and omelets on the table she caught JJ’s comment. Glancing at me she raised her eyebrows as if to say, “Good luck.”

“JJ we live in the city. Just where do you expect Santa’s reindeer to land? On our roof? They wouldn’t fit! So Santa parks the reindeer up on the boulevard and the firemen take Santa to houses in the neighborhood while the reindeer take a rest.”

Our waitress’ lip curled in a sly smile as she asked if anyone wanted anything else to drink. Ignoring her question JJ pushed, “So why did you slip one of the firemen an envelope?”

“I’ll take some more coffee please,” I responded to the waitress in a pathetic stall for time. When our eyes met her eyebrows raised and head tilted as if to say, “They got’cha.” But I’m not sunk yet, I thought.

“JJ, why can’t I give our firemen a Christmas card and thank them for making sure Santa gets to our house on Christmas Eve? Those firemen watch out for us all year round. I wish I could give them more.”

For a moment I thought I’d won because the interrogation ended. But it was the whipped cream on the pile of pancakes that stole their attention. So I sipped my coffee and glanced nervously around at the tables nearest us, fearful that our conversation may have crushed some 3-year-old’s dreams. Luckily, the youngest child in our section was about two tables away – out of earshot.

In my mind I thought back to when JJ and Lara were 3 and 4-years-old. For three years I took them to Santa’s Village at the North Pole. We’d spend the day at a Christmas themed amusement park and there were holiday related activities at night. I could still hear my daughter screaming, “Mamma it’s Santa!” when the big man in red showed up. Now they’re 10 and 11, and I’d do anything – including lie – to have one more year of keeping them enchanted with Christmas magic.

As if he heard my thoughts JJ said, “You know Mamma, we’re getting older. It’s time to tell us the truth about Santa Claus.”

I knew a heard a twinge of doubt in his voice. Both he and Lara were watching me intently and I didn’t have the heart to let them grow up just yet, so I just shook my head and answered, “The truth is that if you don’t believe in him, he won’t come. Do you want to take that chance?”

Lara and JJ glanced quickly at each other – then back to me. “We’ll believe in Santa if you want us to Mamma,” Lara said. “Yea, and his firemen….oh I mean reindeer,” added JJ.

Although they acted secure in their disbelief – they weren’t willing to take the chance that Santa may not come. Or maybe…just maybe…they wanted to believe for one more year. Or maybe….just maybe…it was me who wanted them to believe…for just one more year.

© 2013 SeptemberMom.com

Surviving Sandy

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On the anniversary of Hurricane Sandy, it’s hard not to reflect back on the events that changed so many lives. I too, remember that night and those that followed. I thank God my children and I were fine – and that we were blessed with lessons learned through the ordeal.

Hurricane Sandy started with lots of wind – but no rain. At about 7:30pm we lost power and lights. Then water began racing down the street from both ends of the block. You do things you don’t think through in those situations – stupid things, futile things – like join neighbors outside moving cars closer to houses so they don’t get flooded. No one expected what was to come. Little did we know the water would cover most of the cars within an hour. But when I saw my children’s frightened faces watching from the window and heard them yelling for me to get in the house I realized the car, didn’t matter.

The high tide, full moon and storm surge acted together flooding the neighborhood at a frightening speed. The kids were scared and I was too – but I couldn’t tell them. So we all huddled in the living room. No one could sleep. Suddenly, there was a bang downstairs. I jumped up and ran downstairs as my children screamed. While descending the staircase, a very wet and very scared cat raced past me going up. Shining a lantern I saw about 6 inches of water on the ground floor. I guess Luigi didn’t expect to step out of his litter box into water and he knocked over a cooler in the darkness as he fled. I heard water rushing in from the street but had no idea where it was coming from. Feeling helpless, I knew the only thing I could control was the amount of wine I poured into my glass. So I climbed the stairs, reassured my children and tipped the bottle.

Standing at the front window I couldn’t believe my eyes. It had been a little over an hour since the water began racing down the block and now there was over 4 1/2 feet of water outside. The sky was pitch black, except for the light of the full moon and exploding transformers in the distance putting on a fireworks show. Cars floated and their lights performed an eerie flashdance as they flickered under the sea water.

Tuesday morning came fast. Wrapped in a blanket I trudged downstairs and my heart sank. There was water everywhere but what may have reached to a foot – was now only a few inches. Water seeped throughout the lower level of my house – ruining everything. I stopped feeling bad for myself when I heard that some neighbors had 3-4 feet of water in their houses. And those in the neighborhood with basements had over 10 feet of water – their basements flooded as well as their ground floors.

Slowly, people began tossing the waterlogged contents of their homes. Block after block was littered with people’s lives and memories as belongings were strewn on lawns and curbs waiting to be picked up as garbage. It looked like the whole neighborhood had been evicted. I toiled at pulling up waterlogged carpets and tossing my own belongings by the curb, telling myself it was a blessing in disguise that I was ‘forced’ to part with certain things. But it was heartbreaking. What shook me back to reality was when I heard about a woman in Staten Island who lost her two toddlers to a sweeping current. I hugged my children and put everything into perspective. We were the lucky ones. Who needs ‘things?’

Walking the streets I was greeted by a police / National Guard presence that I hadn’t seen since I volunteered in South Central LA to clean up after the riots. Nothing felt real. Trees effortlessly raised sidewalk cement several feet exposing their roots. Other trees smashed onto houses and cars. Then there were the trees nonchalantly laying across streets. Cars were sitting up on sidewalks – and up on each other. And boats once docked in nearby canals were now dry-docked on black-top in the middle of nearby boulevards.

For two weeks we had no heat or electricity. Most people were numb – and exhausted. A few days after the hurricane we had a Nor’easter. It seemed the joke was on us. My children and I began spending our days volunteering at a local disaster recovery center. The warmth and camaraderie of our fellow volunteers brightened each day. It was truly an enriching experience. I was, and remain, extremely proud having watched my then 9 and 10-year-old work in the center handing out and arranging donations for those in need. Sandy provided a life lesson for my children. One they’d never learn in school.

When ‘shipments’ arrived, everyone lined up with the military to pass along water, food, or whatever else was coming off the truck. The amount of individuals and stores who donated needed items was truly staggering and heartwarming. Local restaurants sent hot meals for the community. People spoke to neighbors they’d never met before. People took time to help others who they’d blindly rushed past on the street, just days prior. We heard it all at the recovery center. The distance between hearing of disasters on the evening news and experiencing one first-hand was stripped away. My children and I have been forever humbled and are grateful for the ability to be more empathetic towards others who face similar situations. We were blessed to see Sandy’s silver lining.

But evenings were long and cold. We’d get home from the disaster recovery center, I’d light candles throughout the house and heat water on the stove for warmth. Then I’d cook – usually pasta. The children and I would dine each night by candlelight and it seemed nothing could dampen their joy. They’d still call for dance parties during dinner and we’d all jump up and dance to the battery / crank radio. After dinner it was games and charades. The evenings held a certain quaintness we had never experienced before as a family. We were enjoying each other’s company without TV or video games. But after a while Little House on the Prairie got old and I yearned for modern conveniences.

At night my children and I would pile onto my queen size bed. I spent the dark hours clinging to the side of the mattress while they spread out comfortably, burrowed under mounds of blankets. Lying awake I’d hear the constant movement outside of tow trucks collecting all the neighborhood cars and garbage trucks taking growing piles of trash. One night at 3am I heard the sanitation truck on my block. I ran to the window to warn them of broken glass and nails in one of my bags. They just smiled and asked if I needed help carrying anything else out of the house. They were the unsung heroes.

It’s a year later now and my downstairs is still not finished. But there are others who still don’t have a home. On this the anniversary of Sandy, some are mourning loved ones. But I have my two children safely by my side. I realize I am blessed. And I am grateful to Sandy for the daily reminder to look for the silver lining. Unfortunately, I took many modern conveniences for granted – like turning on the heat and getting warmth. My morning coffee with cream. A hot shower. A warm meal.

But most importantly living through the experience has shown me the beauty of people helping people – a humanity not necessarily witnessed in our hectic daily lives. The experience has passed, the memories have not. The lessons, I hope will never fade.