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September Mom

~ Rants of a single older Mom

September Mom

Tag Archives: essay

Dirty Little Secret

04 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by SeptemberMom in Lessons, Life

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children, essay, family life, single mom

 

School mornings in my house are very much a zombie jamboree.  Who doesn’t want to get out of bed, who can’t find their clothes, who’s playing with the cat instead of eating, who doesn’t like the menu, who doesn’t want vitamins, who’s kicking who under the table, who’s looking at who above the table?  You get the picture. 

I guess I could streamline the process a bit.  I could get up earlier which would probably make me a little less irritable. But when that alarm rings, these old bones don’t seem to want to move.  And yea, I can make lunches the night before so I’m not serving up breakfast between laying slabs of salami on whole wheat bread.  But it takes every ounce of energy I can muster to drag my butt to bed after a long day.  So each morning I go through the paces while stealing glances at the clock and yelling departure updates like a flight attendant on speed.  

Well, last week Lara surprised me by getting up early, dressing herself and getting her own breakfast on the table.  Yes, I was impressed. Thankfully it has become a bit of a ritual now for her.  Something I can honestly say I really appreciate. 

This morning she asked me where the cereal dishes were because they weren’t in the cabinet.  “In the dishwasher,” I responded, adding ‘empty the dishwasher’ to my mental checklist of things to do.  Lara went ahead, pulled out two dishes, put them on the table and made breakfast for herself and her brother — cereal with rice milk.

While making their lunches the water for my coffee began hissing. I went to the dishwasher to grab a clean mug and to my surprise I realized that the dishes were not washed from last night.  I’d forgotten to turn the dishwasher on before I went to sleep.  Almost on cue I heard my children’s spoons hitting their cereal bowls. My stomach turned.

“Lara, you got the cereal dishes from the dishwasher, right?” I asked tentatively.

“Yep,” she responded. And as if she knew what I was thinking she continued with, “But don’t worry Mamma, I didn’t take the dirty ones.  The ones I took were clean.”

I forced a smile in her direction then glanced at the dishes in the dishwasher.  Most were still covered with remnants of last night’s dinner – spaghetti and clam sauce.  I wondered what ‘clean’ meant to her and kept my dirty little secret to myself. 

(c) SeptemberMom 2013

Old Clothes

04 Tuesday May 2010

Posted by SeptemberMom in Lessons, Life

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essay, hoarding, life, old clothes

My closets are full of clothes. Most of them I don’t wear. I just work around them while fitting new items in on empty hangers. But every now and then I do an overhaul and pick through the clothes one by one to see which ones I can – and will – part with. It’s usually a very difficult experience, one during which I procrastinate endlessly.

“Why is it so hard?” ask friends who hear me complain. It’s not really about the time it takes for me to sift through the cottons, linens and wools, the florals, stripes and plaids; it’s about the memories of the stages of my life.

There are the clothes I’ve saved because I hoped one day I’d fit back into them. You know that semi-delusional outlook that by some miracle I’d lose weight as I aged. My college jeans. My harem pants in green, white and red, with the drawstring waist and buttoned ankles. The tight little dresses that looked great on a 25-year-old figure. And the ones that looked darn good on a 38-year-old figure. Now it would be a miracle if I could fit a straight jean dress over my child-bearing hips. So I’m left with the ability to outfit several different women – sizes 8, 10 and 12.

But those are the clothes I can usually part with – little by little. Each time I engage in the closet cleaning process I tenderly place a few items in a crisp brown paper bag for ‘someone less fortunate.’ But realistically, they’re for someone 45 pounds lighter. Through the process of selection there’s always a few I keep – just in case I drop a size, or two.

Then there are the clothes that I know I’ll never wear again. But they have sentimental value. The clothes that were gifts or belonged to someone else that ended up in my closet. And yes, those are a little more difficult to part with.

My communion dress. My first boyfriend’s green army shirt that he wore in Vietnam, with his name tag in its left pocket. The rust shirt I wore the day I first made love. My grandmother’s hand-made aprons that not only don’t fit me, but are falling apart after 60 years of hanging in closets. My mother’s sequined dress that she and I both wore in our twenties. And Sheila’s green cotton t-shirt which I keep folded in the back of my drawer. Each time I lift it, I hear her laughter in happier days – before she committed suicide.

Those clothes will stay with me forever. And one day when I’m gone, someone cleaning my closets will curiously give them a once-over, then toss them with no regard into a brown paper bag. But not me. Those clothes represent my life. The people I’ve loved. The people who’ve left. I don’t have the heart to bury them in a pile of trash.

They represent love. They deserve love.

(c) SeptemberMom 2013

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